The first time you have a queer sexual experience can be daunting. We put our heads together, and came up with 7 top tips, so that when the time comes, you’ll feel ready for anything!
1. Make sure you feel 100% comfortable.
There is a difference between feeling nervous and feeling uncomfortable. The first time you do it with someone can be nerve racking (no matter your sexuality). But because we live in a world that has made us question our queerness, the first (non-heterosexual) time with someone can feel a little bit daunting.
That’s okay, it can feel exciting, and scary but as long as you are completely comfortable with what’s happening then go for it. Just don’t mistake being uncomfortable with nerves. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s not okay to feel uncomfortable. Consent is EVERYTHING.
2. CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT
This leads on from the first point. Consent is so important and is just as valid in queer sexual encounters as straight ones. Just because we’re not talking about cis-penis and cis-vaginal penetration doesn’t mean consent is no longer necessary.
Consent is an on-going process. It means start to finish you are completely comfortable and happy with what is happening (and your partner is too). This may mean asking for verbal confirmation, setting up safe-words, whatever works best for you and your partner(s).
So often queer sex gets depicted through a heterosexual male gaze and it’s just used to represent a hypersexualised male fantasy. Sex in real life doesn’t look the way it does in movies, and definitely not like it does in porn. We can’t automatically assume what someone else likes or assume someone else knows what we like (or what we’re doing).
Communicating to your partner what feels good, what doesn’t, what you want to try is all part of the learning process. This can feel forced and unnatural at first because we’re fed this unrealistic idea that we should automatically know what we’re doing. Trust me, a little communication can get you a long way in the bedroom.
4. Sex is not just about penetration
We’ve been so conditioned to think that sex = penetration and has to result in an end goal (normally male ejaculation). For queer partners sometimes penetration hardly ever comes into sex.
Sex can also be about exploring each other’s body, seeing what feels good. Learning how to really pleasure a partner, and understanding what you like and what turns you on. Engaging in some hand(y) work, performing oral sex on each other. These are all equally valid (and amazing) sexual acts that are sometimes completely neglected.
5. Anal (Penetrative) Sex
Here’s a top tip, if you want to try anal penetration (this includes using sex toys) it’s probably best to douche first. A douche is a little device that pumps water up your body to help extrapolate faeces left in your colon (ie helps you get rid of unwanted poo).
It’s probably not the best idea to eat a spicy curry before you try anal. To be very graphic, the mixture of spice and curry is not something you necessarily want your partner to witness leaving your body.
However, if you find yourself on the other end of an unfortunate pooing incident (yes they do happen) don’t get embarrassed. Sex is messy, and squelchy and can be quite awkward. The best thing to do is laugh it off, have some cleaning stuff close to hand and jump in the shower. These things happen.
Lube is your best friend. As the famous saying goes; Live, Love, Laugh, Lube. Yes, it’s really that important. Especially when we’re talking about anal sex, the body doesn’t make a natural lubricant so you need a bit of help to ease everything in place.
However there is so much more to anal than just penetration. Especially the type depicted in porn. Explore with rimming, massaging, using your fingers and small objects can be just as stimulating.
6. Protect Yourself!
Unfortunately you can still catch STI’s from your first time. Use condoms or dental dams to help the spreading of unwanted STI’s – they are so much more hassle than they’re worth. We’ve written lots of handy guides on this topic so check them out here.
7. Finally… Enjoy yourself!
Sex should be fun, as long as you feel safe, comfortable (and properly prepared) there’s no right or wrong way to go about this. So don’t over think it and just do what feels natural for you! So have fun, be safe and ENJOY IT!!
To read more about how to have safe and consensual sex head over to the Brook sexual health and wellbeing website